DJ Gerald drops knowledge on the gay marriage debate months after it was relevant, as well as marriage in general, fuck

I don’t generally follow social issues. I only found out about this whole Occupy thing yesterday, and that was because some sly motherfucker parked his tent next to mine and commended me on my tenacity while he played an out-of-tune mandolin. Then we clapped together until some cop punched him in the face. But I’m getting off-track here, the point of this is that I’m oblivious to the world. And I just remembered that there was this whole gay marriage thing that was happening, and that it’s quite a big fucking thing, and holy shit, how did I forget this existed?

Ok, so, first of all. I have no issue with gay people getting married. I don’t mean to paraphrase every stand-up comedian this side of 2006, but who gives a shit if they get married? Only old fucks give a shit. Old fucks with five years left of their life, so stop giving a shit what they think, they will be dead soon. They came from a time when lynching was a national pastime, their opinion is irrelevant.

But the main argument against gay marriage is that it undercuts the very nature of marriage, and that God doesn’t love it.

Pffffffffffffffffshhhhhhhfthdssssf.

Let’s analyse marriage, right the fuck now. Marriage, in of itself, does not change shit and is not worth shit. If two people are in love and then they get married, their love is not enhanced by the magic and power of marriage. Marriage is not the miraculous next step on the path to childbirth and self-indulgent self-loathing. The only thing marriage does for a relationship is make it so that two people cannot leave one another without some legal and economic repercussions. Marriage is pretty much a legally enforced union only carried on today because of insecurity. Get the fuck over it.

Historically, though, marriage has been bullshit from the very get-go, at least in the Christian sense (of course). The concept of Christian marriage basically started when some bishop dick said that men and women should form a union in the presence of a bishop dick, so that they can be married according to God instead of being married due to their love for one another. I’ll boil that down for you. Love is essentially the most powerful emotion ever, one that incites irrationality and batshit insanity in people who can’t reciprocate it. And what these sly bishop dicks thought up was “Hey, why don’t we tell everyone that the accordance of God is more sacred and important than this intense love emotion that they feel? Yeah, that’ll get ‘em on our side.” And it fucking worked, because all the way up to Progressive 2011 Inc., you still have these dumb shits running around saying marriage is sacred and gay is unnatural because God said so.

And I’ll drop some knowledge on you right now. I’ll let you in to the whole secret of Christianity, the behind the scenes low down. Most sins that Christians believe will send people to Hell are only believed because religious leaders made them up in response to too many people dying 500-1000 years ago. I’ll clarify this statement for your bitch asses. Back in the day (Middle Ages, probably), people died left, right and centre. Around about 1 out of 2 children would die regularly, from a mixture of diseases, misinformed doctors and cougars. So, in response to this, religious leaders made up a whole bunch of “God” rules in order to maximise children. For example, be fruitful and multiply, because God wants you to. Self-explanatory, of course, but let’s dig deeper. How about suicide apparently sending someone to Hell? Convenient, that that rule came up around the Middle Ages, when the Bubonic Plague was a hot topic and the urge to procreate was stronger than ever. And how about the big one? The homosexuality one. Now let’s examine this. Children are dying left, right and centre, and it’s imperative that humans fuck and reproduce in order to survive. So how do you expect religious leaders reacted when they found out that there were men who exclusively fucked men and women who exclusively fucked women, leading to zero children? They lost their everloving shit, and they banned the shit out of same-sex fucking.*

Now back in the day, this made sense. It was certainly unfair, but it made a sliver of sense, in terms of self-preservation. But 500-1000 years later, in Progressive 2011 Inc., that shit doesn’t fly anymore. Now you have a bunch of misinformed dumb shits getting all high and mighty about the sanctity of marriage and how homosexuality is apparently unnatural.

Basically, what people are doing is placing marriage on a pedastal, when marriage itself can be equated to saying, “Don’t leave me or I’ll take half of your shit.” People really only get married because it’s a social habit. It’s like jumping off a bridge because everybody else is doing it, except gay people aren’t allowed to join in on the bridge jumping action, and incidentally, this cliché analogy leads into my main point.

Now, I’ve said that I have no issue with gay marriage. But at the same time, what’s the point? I understand the principle behind it, and agree that everyone should be afforded the same rights regardless of sexuality, but it still seems like everybody’s getting too caught up in trying to join a club that’s not worth joining in the first place. Because the fact of the shit is, if you’re in love, you’re in love, and you don’t need some church bullshit to validate that. You can disregard this whole passage as endorsing cowardice or as engineering apathy or whatever, and that’s good. But marriage is bullshit, regardless of who’s doing it, and you should come to terms with that.

You know it. Don’t be triflin’.

This is a DJ Gerald Carradine
endorsed crock of shit

 

*Read between the lines. All the way up to the first half of the 13th Century, same-sex fucking was considered acceptable through various parts of Europe, namely Italy. Then the Renaissance comes along, and the Catholic Church starts getting into everyone’s shit, condemning homosexuals to death. One could assume that somewhere along the line, the Church just started hating on homosexuals for no reason, or one could draw the conclusion that the Church was just trying on a twisted form of progressive thinking in the face of constant death, that got way out of control. Or maybe I’m full of shit.

 

 

 

 

Wake the fuck up: every modern war FPS is exactly the same

As we speak, I believe that Battlefield 3 is out, and Modern Warfare 3 will be out within the week. I can’t really confirm, because I’m not usually in the business of following mundane shit I don’t care about, but I have a general idea. This general idea is based upon the collective ramblings of several idiots I know, some at my day job of flipping mad burgers, some at my night job of being a depraved sex waiter, and these collective ramblings basically boil down to HOLY SHIT BATTLEFIELD 3 MODERN WARFARE 3 WHAT DO I DO FUCK.

Now, some people are going to buy one or the other. They’re going to buy Modern Warfare 3, or they’re going to buy Battlefield 3, and that’s going to be that. I have no problem with these people. These people are just misinformed, and believe that they’re buying a newfangled game of glory that isn’t exactly the same as everything else in its franchise. But then you have the idiots. The idiots who lap up every modern FPS game that comes out. The idiots who are going to buy both Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3, because the trailers looked so good, or because they want to try both so they can argue what’s better, or because I don’t care. You know what I say to these people?

Wake the fuck up. You are playing into both EA and Activision’s hands. Two competing companies, sure, but these companies have gotten to a point where they have realised that they can release the same incessant drivel on a year to year basis, within a week of each other, and the idiots will lap it up. Modern Warfare 3 will no doubt break the sales record set by Modern Warfare 2, and Battlefield 3 will shit everywhere, and everybody will have a big shit-eating party.

If you enjoy being lulled into a false sense of enjoyment, by all means, buy both Modern Warfare 3 and Battlefield 3, like a big fucking idiot. But if you’re not an idiot, don’t buy both. Buy one of these games if you absolutely have to. Let the other one die in a pit of its own misery and loneliness. Because if you buy both, you send a message that it’s perfectly acceptable to send out the same assembly line shit year to year, and, plot twist, it’s fucking not.

This is a DJ Gerald Carradine
approved crock of shit 

Stupid fuckheads: an appropriate response

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Stupid fuckhead – a crude mofo who talks insulting or irrelevant shit because they’s a true ball-buster, aka troll
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Any straight-up hustler who’s spent a mad time on the Internet has either come into contact with a stupid fuckhead, or has acted like a stupid fuckhead. Now, make no mistake, I fully, whole-heartedly, unequivocally endorse the act of stupid fuckheadery. In fact, being a stupid fuckhead is the only thing I do on the Internet, with the sole exception of watching videos of women beating the shit out of each other. Granted, some stupid fuckheads are abysmal at their craft, doing insubstantial shit like posting the same topic fifty times on a message board and then no doubt clapping to themselves while they slowly die alone.

But that’s besides the point. I’m not here to define these crude mofo’s, or even endorse them. I’m here to tell you how to properly respond to them, because that’s a lesson that seems to have fallen through the cracks.

All through this online cesspool that I call the Interfuck, I see the same damn shit. Time after time, people in forums and whatnot will make a topic, stating an opinion or asking advice. “How do I make flower? Do I water dirt?” Whatever. Eventually, a stupid fuckhead will respond, by posting a picture of a gigantic penis. The user will act indignant, and demonstrate that the picture of the biggest penis ever is offensive to them. The stupid fuckhead will then respond with a thousand penises.

Do you see the issue here? Do you see? If you don’t grasp the issue quite yet, that’s fine. Let us examine what the exact motive of the stupid fuckhead is.

The stupid fuckhead, without question, without fail, wants an indignant response. They’re fucking bored, and they want to start an argument that can be only won by posting infinite dicks.  I will reiterate. If you respond with indignation to a stupid fuckhead, then the stupid fuckhead wins, and you will never learn how to make a flower.

I AM BEAUTIFUL FLOWER

Now, what is the appropriate response to the stupid fuckhead? Most people might say ignore them. They might say something like, “Don’t feed the troll, bro,” then laugh while jacking off into a sock. Don’t ignore the stupid fuckhead. Ignoring a stupid fuckhead is like ignoring a scab on your scrotum; it might work in the short term, but then it comes back with more scabs.

No, what you do is, you compliment the stupid fuckhead. Now, I don’t mean sarcastically compliment. Don’t say some stuck-up, self-righteous bullshit like, “Oh, congratulations on being a troll. You’re so utterly useful to everything.” You just look like a dickhead, and the stupid fuckhead wins. I mean, you seriously compliment them, or even engage them in polite conversation. “Hey, man. How you doing? Where’d you get the picture of the monster dong, I’ve been meaning to stick one on my bathroom wall to inspire me while I urinate.”

The stupid fuckhead might respond with another penis. He might respond with an infected penis. But you engage that crude mofo in polite conversation long enough, he’s going to relent. He’s going to leave. He’s going to get that sinking feeling you get when you realise that you were adopted. And most importantly, you win.

Now imagine if everybody did this. Because, like I said before, I enjoy stupid fuckheads and I enjoy being a stupid fuckhead. But there’s a line between creative stupid fuckheadery (putting flashing lights on an Epilepsy Awareness website) and redundant stupid fuckheadery (flooding the Interfuck with penises). If you see a stupid fuckhead ruining the craft for everybody, engage him in polite conversation. He’s going to leave, he’s going to go to another forum, then he gets engaged in polite conversation. Every single forum on the Interfuck, engaging stupid fuckheads in polite conversation. Then the stupid fuckheads ruining it for everyone kill themselves, while letting the true crude mofos get up on it.

You know it. Don’t be triflin’
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This is a DJ Gerald Carradine
approved crock of shit

Preface to tomfoolery

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I look out on the street and all I see is triflin’. People steppin’ up to my block and saying “Hey, DJ Gerald, that shirt ain’t cool”, “Hey, DJ Gerald, enough of that hate speech, children are people too”, “Hey, DJ Gerald, stop peddling that smut.” The fact of the matter is, ladies and gentlemen, the cultural landscape is a toilet. Not an insult, toilets are good, stay with me here. But right now, the lowest common denominator is becoming more common by the very hour, and I can’t even take a solid proverbial shit into this toilet, because it’s all blocked up. Blocked up with shit, if you haven’t grasped the shitty analogy yet.

Now, I’m not saying I’m the plunger, or even that I know what a plunger is, but this shit has to stop. Or, at the very least, move aside for some less sloppy shit. And people, as a society, we have to stand up for the cause, and hold our plungers high. We need to unclog the zeitgeist, bro. We need to smack the zeitgeist in the face.

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This is a DJ Gerald Carradine
approved crock of shit